Month: March 2011

Parenting the on-line teen

sexwiseparent_eka5q5

Anyone see the Today Show this morning (3-8-11) ?  Two experts joined Matt Lauer to debate the pro’s and con’s of parents ‘spying’ on their teens internet activities.  Is it an act of dishonesty between the parent and the child or a prudent safety measure?  Any parent can imagine the indignant scream of a 14 year old caught in a racy IM chat, or the sound of a foot-stomping, door-slamming 15 year old confronted about visits to a XXXX-rated site.  Parents hate that. Too bad.  I come down squarely on the side believing that it is a parents responsibility to know where their kid is hanging out and with whom they are communicating.

Parents can’t forget that the adolescent brain is still under construction, particularly in the areas relating to taking risk.  Dr. David Walsh does a great job in his books explaining the details. As parents, we can’t let ourselves be fooled by the fact that our kids look like almost-adults, almost doesn’t count here.  While they seem so much more grown-up than the baby -faced toddler we used to cuddle, they have not yet grown all of the tools necessary to exercise really, really good judgment.

But there is a big difference between being a responsible parent and being dishonest.  Let your child know that you have installed tracking software, or that you have changed your internet setting so that only you can clear the browser cache, or whatever technical tool you choose to monitor on-line activities. And when they’re through screaming and stomping, talk about using seatbelts.  When they buckle up as they get in the car, you don’t take it as an insult to your driving….. it’s just what we do in case today is the one in a million where something goes very wrong.

And the odds of something going wrong for an adolescent on-line are WAY higher than one in a million.  A report commissioned by the National Center of Missing and Exploited Children found that 1 in 7 youth on-line  were exposed to unwanted sexual solicitations; one is eleven reported sexual harassment and — are you ready for the big number?    ONE IN THREE reported unwanted exposure to sexual material! Need proof? See the full report at http://www.missingkids.com/en_US/publications/NC167.pdf .

So let them stomp and slam for a moment or two — after all, demonstrating the need to be independent from parents is also developmentally normal for an adolescent. But hold your ground. Kids need parental support in the on-line world as much as they need a seatbelt in a car.

Sexy GLEE

sexwiseparent_eka5q5

Kids learn about sex from the media.   That’s been demonstrated again and again.  The American Academy of Pediatricians tell us that kids wills see over 40,000 TV ads each year, many of them using sex to sell.    The Kaiser Family Foundation research tells us that “seven in ten (71%) have a TV in their bedroom’  and kids spend 4 1/2 hours each day  with their eyeballs glued to a screen. There’s sex n the media and our kids absorb it.

So what did they see if they watched the episode of Glee entitled SEXY?    For those who don’t know, Glee is the FOX  TV series that turns  High School Musical  into a weekly ‘dramady’.   Lots of  drama, teen angst and breaking into song.    They’ve tackled serious issues and done better with some than others. This episode covered several  hot topics and most of  what they had to say was  pretty good.

Let’s start with the best — Kurt,  is a gay male teen with a straight dad.  The writers needed to stretch our imagination with a scene where Kurt’s gay schoolmate visits Kurt’s  Dad with a warning that Kurt is dangerously clueless about sex.   But Dad’s reaction was a stroke of genius by the writers.  He took the warning, and had ‘the talk’ with his son.  When Kurt balked, Dad acknowledged  that he was also uncomfortable, but they were having the conversation anyway  and they ‘would both be better men for it’.  And so Dad said…..

“For most guys, sex is just this thing we always want to do. It’s fun. It feels great. But we’re not really thinking too much about how it makes us feel on the inside or how the other person feels about it.

You’ve got to know that it means something. It’s doing something to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem, even though it feels like you’re just having fun… I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter. Because you matter, Kurt.”

Could someone please  give this message to every kid?     You matter.  Your body matters.  A piece of your soul is exposed in your orgasm.   You may never feel more exposed.   Choose REALLY, REALLY carefully who you want to share this with.

Dad told Kurt that guys sought sex just for the sex, that girls were the part of the couple that brought the emotion to the  equation.   Danger, Kurt — because with gay male couples no one is concerned about the emotional aspect.  So please Kurt — and every other human being  CHOOSE PARTNERS CAREFULLY!!

And so the proverbial rub — the part of the brain that humans use to  make good choices is not yet fully developed in adolescents.    Kids need an adult like Kurt’s Dad to share truth with love and limits.  Adults need the courage to be uncomfortable enough to give the priceless gift of information.

We may not want  teachers in our school to emulate  the sexy Ms. Haliday,  or our kids to emulate Puck in his clueless willingness to make a sex tape to help a friend seem more popular.  But maybe parents saw a role model worth their attention.  Glee draws a large audience in the 18 – 49 demographic, so there’s hope.

Glee shows viewers a fictional place where everyone can sing and dance,  where gay kids get to find a gay-friendly private school,  and where the pregnant cheerleader continues her education without interruption. Do we have to look at  a fictional world  to find parents who actually take the time  and  muster the courage to tell their kids their truth about sexuality?  Let’s not make honest communication with our children about sex a fiction.

How do I know????________________________________________________________

Kaiser Family Foundation -Kids and media study

http://www.kff.org/entmedia/entmedia012010nr.cfm

Glee Audience Demographics

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/entertainmentnewsbuzz/2010/04/glee-hits-high-note-for-fox-.html

American Academy of Pediatrics

http://tinyurl.com/AAP-Kids-and-Ads