child sexual abuse prevention

Sex abuse in school?

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As the back to school transition eases into a comfortable routine, this is a good time to consider  a finding published in a report by the U.S. Department of Education: Various studies show that as many as 5 percent of kids report a sexual contact with a school employee sometime during their school experience.

Section 5414 of the Elementary and Secondary Education Act of 1965 (ESEA), as amended required a study of sexual abuse in U.S. schools and the United States Department of Education contracted with Dr. Charol Shakeshaft of Hofstra University to complete a literature review and analysis. You can — and should — read the entire report entitled  Educator Sexual Misconduct:  A Synthesis of Existing Literature .

Shakeshaft reviewed and critiqued dozens of studies on sexual abuse in schools and no matter how we slice and dice her results — even if she is off by a factor of 10 (which I totally doubt) her findings should make any parent stand up and take notice. Parents of young, prepubescent children need to be aware of the way pedophiles can ingratiate themselves into the life of your child and family, gaining trust then violating it in the most unimaginably devastating manner.

By the time  our kids become teens, we are less worried about pedophiles and more worried about stupid, manipulative adults of either gender. Many adolescents,  particularly girls, appear to be a sexually mature adult years before their  social, emotional and intellectual development catch up to their bodies. While  many of us know about school-girl crushes that teens develop on adults, it’s also true that adults develop crushes on kids. Whether it’s the male teacher  living out his mid-life crisis with a crush on a young girl, or the young, plain-jane teacher responding to her first experience of male adoration, there  is a surprisingly large number of possibilities for indiscretions. And most teachers are completely unprepared for this experience.

A smart social worker I know sought support from her supervisor to maintain a treatment relationship with a particularly handsome 17-year-old-boy. A teacher I met knew to make sure he was never alone with the student who fit his model of attraction. Not all professionals bother to do the work necessary to process their very human reaction to an attractive or charming person. Teens, with their still under-developed frontal lobes, lack the judgment to understand that  this type of adult attention is wholly inappropriate.

Parents of little ones need to know every adult who may have the opportunity to be alone with their child. Parents of teens need to pay close attention to all of the relationships their kids have with adults. All parents can do their best to make sure their kids have age-appropriate knowledge and language about sex and sexuality, and keep lines of communication wide open.

More information is coming!  Read my forthcoming  book The Sex-Wise Parent, on sale  April 2012 from Skyhorse Publishing

The Penn State endowment MUST create ‘real and permanent good’!

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What’s the highest and best use of the fines being levied against Penn State?

Child serving agencies in the United States are in a tizzy anticipating the $60 million endowment from the Penn State fines. Public child welfare systems are notoriously underfunded in almost every state without a federal consent decree specifying how much the state must spend. Sadly, there is not a single state in this country with a child abuse prevention system serving every family and community who stands to benefit. There is sound reason for this anxious anticipation. But it must not drive the process.

Andrew Carnegie, a Pennsylvanian  widely credited as one of the fathers of American philanthropy spoke of philanthropy doing real and permanent good. Before Penn State obligates one dime, key stakeholders must engage in a rational strategic planning process and envision what ‘real and permanent good’ they might acheive.

The  U.S. Department of Health and Human Services defines strategic planning as a deliberate set of steps that:
•   assesses needs and resources;
•   defines a target audience and a set of goals and objectives;
•   plans and designs coordinated strategies with evidence of success;
•   logically connects these strategies to needs, assets, and desired outcomes; and
•   measures and evaluates the process and outcomes.

The second bullet point requires attention immediately. What basis will be used to determine how to distribute the resources among local and national organizations? Will the resources be split evenly among prevention, investigation, and treatment? Will resources be allocated for research into improving practices? Will a bona fide program evaluation be required for all grant recipients? What criteria will be used to determine if an agency has the administrative structure to administer the grant? What steps will be taken to ensure that these funds do not supplant an existing funding source?

I am not detached from this issue. I hold two degrees from Penn State. I am saddened beyond words at the allegations against Graham Spanier whose course I took as an undergraduate when he was a new professor in the College of Human Development. I have friends and colleagues living in State College, PA  who will feel the pain as the local economy bears the brunt of the sanctions. And, I have devoted my career, which began at Penn State, to working in the field of child sexual abuse. I now work with several agencies who could stand to benefit from these funds. This is up-close and personal for me.

Penn State officials must be unbiased, professional, strategic and well informed as they determine how they turn these funds into an endowment that reflects the best of our state. The questions I pose above, and others like them, must be carefully considered to generate answers reflecting the desire to create real and permanent good. Hungry advocates, posturing politicians and charities with great PR offering services lacking a theoretical basis should not be factors in their planning.

Let’s do this right, Penn State.

Penn State may not be the exception when it comes to sexual culture and climate

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As the shock of the contents of the Freeh report settles in, this is a good time to remember that no single school has cornered the market  on being a risk to the sexual health and safety of students.    A  report  published  by the U.S. Department of Education says that various studies show that as many as 5 percent of kids report a sexual contact with a school employee sometime during their school experience.  I’ve written about this before, and I’ll keep writing about this until every single parent is prepared to consider and understand the sexual climate of their child’s school and every other institution where the child spends time.

Section 5414 of the Elementary and Secondary Education Act of 1965 (ESEA), as amended required a study of sexual abuse in U.S. schools and the United States Department of Education contracted with Dr. Charol Shakeshaft of Hofstra University to complete a literature review and analysis. You can — and should — read the entire report entitled Educator Sexual Misconduct: A Synthesis of Existing Literature .

Shakeshaft reviewed and critiqued dozens of studies on sexual abuse in schools and no matter how we slice and dice her results — even if she is off by a factor of 10 (which I totally doubt) her findings should make any parent stand up and take notice. Parents of young, prepubescent children need to be aware of the way pedophiles can ingratiate themselves into the life of your child and family, gaining trust then violating it in the most unimaginably devastating manner. Actually, now that we’ve read the Sandusky indictment and the Freeh report, it’s tragically not so unimaginable anymore.

By the time our kids become teens, we are less worried about pedophiles and more worried about stupid, manipulative adults of either gender. Many adolescents, particularly girls, appear to be a sexually mature adult years before their social, emotional and intellectual development catch up to their bodies. While many of us know about school-girl crushes that teens develop on adults, it’s also true that adults develop crushes on kids. Whether it’s the male teacher living out his mid-life crisis with a crush on a young girl, or the young, plain-jane teacher responding to her first experience of male adoration, there is a surprisingly large number of possibilities for indiscretions. And too many teachers are completely unprepared for this experience.

I devote a great deal of time to this issue in The Sex-Wise Parent.  I use Monica Lewinsky as an example since her experience with a predatory teacher seems to have played a role in her being sentenced to life as the punch line of a joke.  Every person who enjoyed a laugh at her expense should know that Monica learned to trade sex for status from one of her high school teachers.  Further, interviews aired on national TV make it clear that many people knew this teacher was a predator!

Whether we’re talking about Jerry Sandusky operating with impunity at Penn State or Monica’s teacher having his pick of the graduating seniors, the sexual climate is way off balance in many of the institutions serving our kids.  Parents need the tools and skills to understand; to open the discussion, see my checklist and check this site often for more information.

 

Include a plan to become a sex-wise parent in your schedule for the next school year

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As many of us are enjoying our summer schedule or looking forward to our vacation, some folks are deeply into their plans for the 2012-2013 school year.  After the horror of the Summer of Sandusky it’s my hope that  program planners for schools, congregations and social and civic organizations throughout this country will take a good hard look at what they are doing to help keep kids and families sexually safe and healthy.   I want to help.  I have developed workshops for parents and professionals based on my experience in sex abuse treatment and prevention and the research I completed to write The Sex-Wise Parent.    I took the semester off from teaching to help reach families and communities everywhere.  Download this flyer and send it to the people planning programs in your community!  I’m ready  when you are!

The double-edged sword of forgiveness

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If I ever doubted the number of people who were sexually abused as a child, promoting my book, The Sex-Wise Parent has brought me right back to sad reality.  I have yet to leave an event without at least one survivor sharing his or her story.  Many have a lesson that I feel compelled to share and last week’s lesson was about the double edged sword of forgiveness.

A woman approached me to speak after a small event.    I had noticed her in the crowd because she had maintained steady eye contact with me throughout my remarks, often nodding in agreement as I spoke.

She thanked me for my voice on the topic of sex abuse prevention, and shared that she had been victimized as a young child after parents moved her family far from their extended family and sent her back every summer for an extended visit with her relatives.

Between the ages of 6  and 12 a member of her summer household  did what I can only describe as repeatedly rape her at his convenience.  She quietly and calmly described her terror of using the bathroom or bathing because she knew that being undressed made her more vulnerable.  She had no one to tell in her summer home, and no words to tell her parents when she returned home.

The abuse ended decades ago when the rapist got old enough to leave the household.  My informant shared that she was much loved by her parents and found solace in her religion.  She shared that through grace and hard work with a therapist she forgave the abuser and went on with her life.  She told me that if they were both at the same family event, no one would know what he’d done to her.  She seemed calm and at peace with her ability to move on and maintain the peace within her extended family.

Until I asked how she knew that other children were safe.

She was taken off guard by my question, thought for a minute then replied that he only did it to her.  I tried to be gentle with my reminder that most predators have multiple victims and she just said “no, no.”

It is highly unlikely that I will ever see this woman again and I don’t know the decision she will make. I can only hope she was able to take some steps to make sure a predator is not terrorizing children.

If this were your friend, would you ask them to trade their family’s peace for the potential of saving a child?

 

It’s time to ask your children if they understand what the Sandusky case was about.

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Just ask that question and listen quietly to the reply.

An adolescent may challenge you by demanding to know why you want to know. Answer calmly, sharing that this case focused on the ugliest possible aspect of sex and you want to be sure they have the whole picture.

Expect a younger child to reply with a shockingly incorrect understanding of sexual abuse; offer a gentle correction and consider a simpler version of the same answer suggested for adolescents. Explain that grown – up bodies are made for a special kind of touching that feels wonderful when shared by loving people, and that it’s very wrong for a grown – up to do this with a child.

Kids of all ages deserve accurate information on sexual anatomy and physiology. Adolescents needs to hear you explain that sexual response is a reflexive, autonomic response that the body does all by itself in response to a touch, a thought, a memory — even from reading something or watching it on the screen. Molesters know this and use this as a weapon against a child by convincing them that their physical response meant they ‘enjoyed’ the act. Use the words erections and climax — now is the time to show your kids that their sexual health and safety is important enough that you’re willing to go way out on a limb.

Share that girls experience sexual arousal with less obvious physical signs; in fact, many girls don’t have a name for that warm feeling they get in their lower abdomen or genitals. Because the sexual response is less obvious in girls, boys are more at risk of being tricked this way.

Little ones might ask why the victims didn’t tell. Share that they were scared, and that the bad guy convinced them that he was more powerful than their parents. Remind them that this is how bullies operate, by making a victim feel powerless. Hug your child and say that they will never be powerless because you can and will protect them, no matter what anyone says or does to try to convince them otherwise.

Remember that a parent’s job is to provide the tools to alleviate fear and obliterate ignorance. Everyone has fears and questions about sexuality, and this case may bring them out in your child. Your pediatrician, other professionals, and books like The Sex-Wise Parent are great tools.

If you and your child have never talked about sexuality in general and sexual anatomy in particular, this conversation needs to be the first of many, and this is a good opportunity to start.

Honor the uncounted victims of sex abuse with action

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Everyone knows someone whose life has been touched by sexual victimization. Look at the published numbers—different studies suggest 70,000 kids each year, others suggest 90,000 kids each year, some say one out of 4 kids; others, one out of 6. Regardless of the source, the number of affected children is huge. These findings have become the rallying cries of advocates, and many professionals remind us that these reports are only the tip of the iceberg.

Frankly, I can’t stand the statistics about child sexual abuse. Besides the obvious differences in definitions and counting methods that make statisticians cringe, statistics dehumanize the unbearable pain caused to children and those who love them. More meaningful than any statistic is the sad truth that almost everybody knows someone who was sexually abused—a sad friend remembered from childhood, a college friend who confided why they have lousy relationships, someone you dated, a friend of your child’s. Far from the statistics we find stories like Sugar Ray Leonard, who was sexually abused by a boxing coach, or  actor Todd Bridges, molested as a child  by a publicist. Maybe you shudder remembering the touchy-feely coach,  the school bus driver who  grabbed  kids  on their way off the bus, the “over-affectionate” step parent, aunt or uncle, or  the seductive baby-sitter who taught ‘grown up games’.

The vivid testimony offered by the indomitable victims in the Sandusky trial is causing long buried memories to surface for millions of people. Whether you’re chatting with a colleague over coffee, or a neighbor waiting at the school bus stop with you to pick up the kids, consider the fact that old, buried memories are surfacing for millions right now. We must be sensitive to their pain, and our own. If words fail you at thie sound of thier memories,  just listen with empathy, love and support.

Then, use your anger and rage to propel you into action to make your community one where this never happens again. To help get started, see http://bit.ly/LP4C4E.

Use the news!

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Imagine the drive to soccer practice; no sooner do you get your child to remove the earphones which seem permanently implanted in their ears then the radio announces the latest development in the clergy scandal or Sandusky case. Great, just what you had in mind!

But please, resist the urge to pretend you didn’t the newscaster. Take a deep breath, turn off the radio and ask your child their thoughts about what you just heard.

“That’s gross” is a likely reply. “I think so too” you could answer. “How much do you understand about what happened to the victims?”

Then listen to your child’s reply carefully. Depending on their age, they may understand exactly what sex abuse is, or have a terrible misconception. I recall one family I counseled years ago where the younger sibling of a victim mistook the word ‘rape’ for ‘rake’. She thought all of the family trauma was because someone hit her sister with a rake! Prompt your child with an age-appropriate version of a question such as “what do you think the bad guy did to the child?” Explain your questioning with an (also age-appropriate) version of a statement like “I want to make sure you understand so we can be a team working together to keep our family and friends safe.” That’s a little less threatening than saying “I want to keep you safe” but parents know their own kids and can judge  what they can be comfortable hearing.

Use this as an opportunity to tell your kids that people who sexually abuse children put their own  pleasure above the pain they cause children. Remind them that sometimes they dress it up like a friendship or a love relationship to confuse the child (or teen!). Remind them that anyone who wants to be sexual with a young person is selfish at best and a criminal at worse. And if your child protests the conversation, take the opportunity to remind them that being able to speak  with you about sex helps keep them healthy and being able to speak with you about sex abuse can help keep them safe.

Abusers count on the fact that kids don’t like to speak to their parents about sex, and you don’t want that to be true on your family.

So use the news —with the Sandusky trial starting in a few weeks and on-going clergy trials in many major media markets,  there will be plenty of opportunity!

Free Range Kids need Sex-Wise Parents!

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According to the popular blog Free-Range Kids, “Free-Rangers believe in helmets, car seats, seat belts—safety! We just do NOT believe that every time school-age kids go outside, they need a security detail.”

I couldn’t agree more. I wrote The Sex-Wise Parent because I believe that giving kids information and language about sexuality is as important as buying that helmet or car seat. When my child takes off on his bike and runs into a family friend, I want him to know exactly what to do if that person’s hands end up in the wrong place.

If you’re shocked, you shouldn’t be. The pedophiles I interviewed for my book told me—in no uncertain terms—that they look for unaccompanied children. Is this a reason to turn into a helicopter parent? Absolutely not. What I believe is any child old enough to ride her bike to the playground is old enough to be given accurate information about the male and female sexual anatomy. The child should understand how to set and hold boundaries and know that they can and must share anything out of the ordinary and all adult interactions with their parents. While no one can diagnose “grooming” behavior from a single anecdote described by a child, parents need to be aware of every adult in their child’s life and draw their own informed conclusions.

Giving your child information about sex requires a different skill set than providing them a well-fitting bike helmet (a trained clerk in a sporting goods store can help you with the latter form of protection). When it came to providing my child with the tools about sexual health and safety, I knew I was the best source of information. It’s not easy and yes, it may even be uncomfortable but find the courage to talk to your child and explain what you want them to know. This parent-to-child communication is better and more effective that if the information comes from a third-party.

Free range or not a child needs language and information about sex to help keep them sexually safe and healthy. Free-rangers believe in “common sense parenting in uncommonly overprotective times” and so do I.

Hot Weather Can Mean ‘Hot’ Clothes, So What’s the Dress Code in Your Family?

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It may be snowing in Colorado, but it’s pushing 90 in LA, and the heat will reach all of us sooner or later. While lots of folks are worried about what these extreme weather swings mean for the atmosphere, (and I am thankful for scientists!)  I focus my attention on  a parents need to understand the effect the heat can have on kids. Let me explain.  Yes, dehydration from the heat is one issue, but some children have been waiting all winter for an excuse to bare their skin in clothes that are more suitable for a dance club than school!  Let the  battles begin.

Not necessarily.  For parents, a good  place to start is  determine your child’s school’s policy on dress code and how is it enforced.

At the very least, schools should prohibit children from exposing their belly buttons, breast cleavage, butt cleavage  and the wearing suggestive slogans on t-shirts by either students or staff. It is perfectly natural for teens and pre-teens to push boundaries and arrive in school wearing something that bends—if not actually breaks—the dress code rules. School staff should react firmly to any breaches in the rules, while not outright embarrassing or humiliating the student in any way. Consider calling a guidance counselor and asking about thier policies and procedures.

A common problem among younger kids is they may believe that a certain type of look equates to being attractive—without understanding that “the look” has a sexual connotation. When a nine-year-old girl chooses a bedazzled tube top with a decidedly “hookerish” look, her parents needs to supplement their “no” with an explanation beyond a “because I said so.” Explaining to kids that certain kinds of clothes carry a message (one that is not always appropriate for their age) is a good place to start. Try to use a uniform as an example and say something to this effect—“When you wear shin guards, I know you’re getting ready to play soccer.” This starts the discussion about how a particular look is seen by some people as a signal that you’re dressed for a specific activity. You could explain to young kids that certain items of clothing are seen as a “uniform” for people who like to “kiss” or “flirt” or an equivalent term that will make an eight -year-old think, “Yuck.”   What a great opportunity to discuss how people decide what they think is pretty, focusing on cocenpts like  choice and taste and individuality!

Girls are especially are pressured to appear looking sexual at young ages, by being exposed to promotions for  baby bikinis and padded bras for eight-year-olds. Boys may need help understanding what is really conveyed by the tough-guy looks. But all kids need to know your rules, your values and believe that you will enforce the dress code set by their school.

Learn more about how to support your child’s sexual health and safety from my book, The Sex Wise Parent by visiting www.sexwiseparent.com