There’s a lot of Sex-Wise Parents in Nebraska!

The Central Nebraska Child Advocacy Center hosted me for a full day of training for professionals from law enforcement,  child protection, education, counseling  and more!   We even enjoyed a visit from the local chapter of Bikers Against Child Abuse!

We covered everything from psychosexual development of children  to characteristics of high functioning teams.

Sadly, the newly sex-wise parents who came to the event were all professionals who came to  to improve their job skills; the community parents who had preregistered didn’t make it.    Read the story in the local news paper here:    bit.ly/1Jcabd6

But the full day event for professionals was a rousing success!  Contact me to plan an an event for your community now!

Dangerous games

Kids give us plenty of things to worry about as they mature: Will they pay enough attention in school to get into a good college? Will they choose the right friends? Will they make the right choice when faced with drugs or alcohol? Will they wait until they’re really ready to experience sex? Current attention to an ancient practice has given families something else to understand and warn children against: choking games.

Choking games, medically known as ‘voluntary asphyxia’ goes by many terms among kids. Black Hole, Black Out, Red Out, Knock Out, Flat lining, Five Minutes in Heaven, Space Monkey, Suffocation Roulette, Gasp, Tingling, are among the names used by kids in different communities[1]. These are terms that parents and grandparents should come to know and recognize as a sign of danger.

In these games, kids physically limit oxygen to the brain, causing a brief, intense rush as the brain automatically reacts to the perceived threat by releasing specific chemicals that cause the feeling of a temporary high. Methods range from holding their breath while a peer applies pressure to the vagal nerve (similar to applying the Heimlich maneuver) to using ligatures around the neck. Analogous to the manner in which many adolescents are initiated to cigarettes or alcohol, a trusted or high status peer presents the opportunity to participate as fun or cool. A teen who does not understand the potential danger may see it as a way to achieve a legal high and gain acceptance with peers. However, like drugs, the rush or the temporary high can become addictive. And I can never repeat often enough that the part of the brain responsible for high-level decision making is   not fully developed until adolescence is over!   Peer pressure, poor judgment and a potential high can make risk taking hard to resist for adolescents in many circumstances .Choking games can be played alone or with peers and are believed to be almost always initiated in groups, although the availability of online information may be changing this. As bad as the group games are, the act becomes more dangerous when a child engages alone. Safety precautions fail and kids suffocate.

Adolescent males may also come to believe that that a sexual climax can be heightened by depriving their brain of oxygen. Known as ‘autoerotic asphyxiation’ this practice has been documented in medical literature since the 19th century. Sadly, most of the documented cases are based on posthumous investigations; up to 25 deaths occur each year when fail-safe mechanisms do fail and a victim is strangled.

Here’s an important point for families with young adolescents: Sexual archetypes, or lifelong preferences, are often set in adolescence as the initial objects or behaviors associated with autonomic sexual arousal become imprinted (in a manner of speaking) in a child’s developing brain. Autoerotic asphyxia can become a dangerous lifetime habit that’s difficult to break. Experts estimate that between 250 and 1200 deaths occur per year from autoerotic asphyxiation but since many cases are mistaken for suicide the real number is hard to know. Identifying and intervening in early ‘choking games’ can prevent this particular paraphilia from becoming a deadly part of a child’s sexual life.

Of course, it is highly unlikely that any adolescent will discuss any autoerotic activities with parents or grandparents. I strongly believe that parents and care takers have the obligation to check kids’ dresser drawers, book bags and other hiding places for indications of drugs, alcohol or cigarettes; similarly, plastic bags or items that can be used as a ligature should be added to this list of contraband. Any indication of children using language similar to the many names used for choking games should be a call to action.  Similarly, check a child’s browser history for searches  indicating interest in these issues.    In any case, kids need to hear from loving adults in their lives that this “game” has potentially deadly consequences and should never be practiced.  Ever.

In an article published by the American Academy of Pediatrics, pediatricians are advised that “provided with relevant information, pediatricians can identify the syndrome, demonstrate a willingness to discuss concerns about it, ameliorate distress, and possibly prevent a tragedy.” The same is true for parents and grandparents.

This article originally appeared in GRAND magazine, 3/2015


[1]   Daniel D. Cowell, MD, MLS, CPHQ , Autoerotic Asphyxiation: Secret Pleasure—Lethal Outcome? PEDIATRICS Volume 124, Number 5, November 2009 pp 1319 -1325

Want to help prevent child sexual abuse?  Plan now for an April event!

Want to help prevent child sexual abuse? Plan now for an April event!

If you’ve ever felt like child abuse, child sexual abuse, and sexual assault were such HUGE and overwhelming problems that one person could never have an impact, now is the time to get over that misconception.   For more than two decades, April has been designated child abuse prevention month and it is now also designated as and sexual assault awareness month.  Tens of thousands of people will focus on these issues in April;  if you choose to add your voice it  will be amplified by a chorus from like-minded people.    April is is the ideal time to organize colleagues and friends to plan community events like workshops to support parents, advocacy events to help change laws, conferences to help professionals do their jobs, and special displays of parenting books in stores and libraries. All of these can help promote strong and safe families, communities and institutions. Here’s some help to get started:

Step 1: Find partners

Look for like-minded people to form a work group; check out your religious institution or your local schools’ PTA/PTO. Try the local department of public health, the rape crisis center, or child protection agency and ask for the outreach coordinator. These public agencies often have advisory boards comprised of citizens, a great resource to tap.

Step 2: Find a champion

Find an ‘honorary chair’ — a high profile person to lend their name and credibility to your cause and event. This is generally easy since elected officials of all stripes want to be associated with protecting children and keeping families  and communities strong.  If you get lucky, an elected official might offer time from a staff member to support the event.

Step 3: Make the plan

With your partners and champion identified, decide together what you want to offer your community. My personal preference is for events for parents. My experience proves that parents are concerned about promoting the sexual health and safety of their kids, ensuring the sexual climate of their school and other institutions is healthy and that the community has resources. With parents on the planning committee, you’re sure to be able to tap into the concerns of your local parents and plan an event that meets their needs.

Check with your library to see  if the youth or reference librarian can curate a special collection of resources for parents; they can highlight information about your event next to the special display. The librarian may even be able to find a local author who could offer a reading and a book-signing!

Consider working with an agency to honor their volunteers; I’ve seen wonderful events where people come out to see  volunteers honored and also get to hear a program where they learn how to promote sexual health and safety in their family and community.

Step 4: Find the resources

Volunteer support might can often be found in the local high school as many now have a ‘service learning’ requirement and young people are looking for meaningful projects! Similarly, Greek organizations at a local college and youth groups at religious institutions can be a great source of help to raise funds and awareness supporting your cause.

An event does not have to be very expensive; a speaker and refreshments may cost a few thousand dollars but sponsors are generally easy to find. Like elected officials, businesses want to be associated with a popular issue like safe kids.  Many communities have public grant money that they can spend on community involvement. These public agencies can help:

  • Find your state’s Rape Prevention and Education coordinator here:
  • Find your states Children’s Trust Fund here
  • Find your states Child Protection Services agency here:

Non-profit organizations, like Prevent Child Abuse America support special events in April and you can find your local chapter of Prevent Child Abuse America here:

Step 5: Need individual help?

Contact me at DrRosenzweig@sexwiseparent.com, visit my webpage or my page at APB Speakers.

Take advantage of the national voices being raised in April and promote safe and healthy children, families and institutions in your community!

Get ready — 50 Shades of Grey is coming to a theater near your kids!

Love it or hate it, a movie glorifying some of the darker sides of sexual behaviors between consenting adults is coming to a theater near you. What’s near you is near your kids, so get ready to take advantage of this teachable moment.

If you don’t know the theme of this best-selling trilogy, Mr. Grey is psychologically damaged from an abusive childhood and finds relief in sadomasochistic practices. He meets sexually inexperienced Anna, they develop a relationship, he teaches her about sex and she teaches him about love, all with lots of sex going on designed to arouse readers of all persuasions.

Here’s a few topics from this movie that make a great discussion with any child, from around age 10 on:

  • In real life, it is never OK for an adult to seduce a child (Grey was introduced to sex by a friend of his mother)
  • In real life, it is never OK for people to hurt each other
  • In real life, girls  want to have their own lives, their own opinions and don’t crave domination
  • In real life, if a man tells a woman (or a woman tells a man) he’s too damaged for a relationship, as Grey tells Anna early on, listen to him and run the other way.

With all of the hype about the books and movie, you may have read points like these, or thought about them yourself if you’ve read the books. As a sex educator, here’s the point I consider most important: This material was written to induce sexual arousal, and when it does, your child needs to understand that just because they experience reflexive arousal does not mean that this is the type of sex they want to have when they are mature enough to have sex.  It is a very common experience for humans to experience arousal from observing or reading about a sexual act they would never consider, and it takes honesty and maturity to understand that fact.

When a male experiences an erection, when a female experiences warmth and lubrication in her genitals, it is a sign that a primal part of their brain has been activated. Young people who don’t understand this are at a terrible disadvantage. People who exploit children and adolescents use the child’s reflexive arousal to convince them that they were a willing partner. Adolescents unfortunate enough to develop a crush on a predatory adult may find their arousal used as a tool for seduction. A teen  may mistake a partner’s arousal for a “yes,” even when they are  clearly saying “no.”  Each of these scenarios are too common and can have disastrous results that devoted parents can help prevent.

Becoming sexually aroused is a reflexive response to stimulus. Sexual response comes from a primal part of the brain that has nothing to do with reasoning. Our kids need to learn that there is no shame in sexual arousal – ever! A key lesson in becoming a mature adult is learning the difference between lust, which is physical arousal and love.  The ubiquitous promotions for the  50 Shades  books and movie provide a most useful teaching aid to make this point.

Loving, responsible parents can find the words and the courage to explain sexual arousal to their children. Young people can learn about the joy of these wonderful feelings and  the angst of them occurring at inopportune times.  Parents can share  the critical lesson that these feelings have nothing to do with the thoughtful, deliberate decisions they will make about their own sexuality. Just because they experience arousal at a book, a move, video, or even the sight of popular young teacher does not at all mean that they can or should act on these feelings.

Your child will most likely have access to clips, summaries and other excerpts from 50 Shades of Grey. Along with processing the obvious lessons about loving, equal relationships between real adults in love, use this as an opportunity to prepare them for the complexities of understanding sexual arousal, a most important lesson for a lifetime of sexual health and safety.

This article appeared first at http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/healthy_kids/Fifty-Shades-of-Grey-is-coming–are-you-ready.html